welcometotheughbackup | (no subject)

Kain was sitting on the bed reading. Or trying to anyway. His couldn't get David out of his head. Further more, he couldn't stop smiling about the man.

He heard Sen's voice and knew he had to put all thoughts of David out of his mind. The way Sen sounded, he knew he wasn't here for pleasure. Kain closed his book and walked out into his office. "Sen? Is everything alright? How's Sword doing?" He asked concerned as he sat down in his chair.

"He... lost his sight and keeps forgetting things..." He said, rubbing at the back of his neck.

He crossed the room to Kain's chair, burying his face in the nape of Kain's neck, letting the tears flow freely, arms wrapping around the man's neck. "Kain... help me... I'm breaking... I... falling apart."

Kain was suddenly standing and embracing Sen, "Sen. It will be okay. Sword's strong he'll make it through. He's just gotta learn to cope with the changes. It'll be fine." He said gently trying to comfort the man in his arms.

He clung to the man tighter. "It.... it's not just that... although... it's all my fault... he overdosed because of me... my fault, all my fault."

He pulled away from the embace, punching the wall. "I'm falling apart! I can't cope... I... everything... Sword, Ky... all of it..."

Kain took a hold of Sen's hand that punched the wall and led him into the bedroom. He sat him down and sat beside him, "Sen. I want to make something very clear to you." He said looking to Sen's eyes with a hard seriousness about him, "It was not your fault. Sword made a decision, a very bad one, but he made it himself. You in no way influenced him. He could have dealt with things a little better," Kain really didn't know why Sword had really shot up. He didn't know Sen had broken up with him. But he knew what he was saying was right, "You didn't hand him the needle and drugs and say 'here, shot up'. This was not your fault." His gaze softened now, "And as for Ky.... You need to tell him to decide. If you don't him with Ky and you at the same time. You need to tell him to decide between you and Ky. He can't have both. I know it might frighten you to do so. But trust me when I say this Sen. He will choose you."

He let Kain lead him to the bedroom, he wiped at his eyes. He felt like he'd cried so much lately, yet at the same time felt like he needed to cry and cry until there were no tears left or else he'd just explode. "He... I hurt him... I broke up with him and so he..." He sighed, thinking about just how close to loosing Sword he'd been. "When... they called time of death... my world crashed down around me..."

He grabbed a pillow, clutching it to his chest like an upset child. "I... I can't ask him to make that choice... He... he loves Ky and wants to be with him - and he's offered me Norman in return... I should be happy... but I'm not! I'm pissed off! When I wanted to be with Sword and Norman, Sword made me choose, made it clear I couldn't love them both but when HE loves two people... it's completely different! He's such a hypocrite!" So many bottled up, pent up emotions and thoughts flooded from him. "He offered me Norman, but he can't see it's too late! I already made my choice! I'm not gonna drag Norman's heart back and forth and start sleeping with him only for Sword to decide down the line that he doesn't want to share anymore!"

"No, Sen. It's not fair to you. You can't keep letting him abuse you like this. You need to tell him it's either you or Ky, he can't have both. If he loves like he says he does, then he'll come to you . And if he doesn't. Then you're better off without him. But I will tell you one thing, I will not stand idly by and watch him continue to do this to you and your emotions.You either make him chose or I will make his and your decision for you."

He clung tighter to that pillow, burying his face in it. "I was so happy... My birthday was the best day in my entire life... I thought that finally my life was sorting itself out... I really thought Sword and I had cracked this relationship stuff... But then he told me he loved Ky and... it was like he'd ripped my heart out... I know I'm selfish for not wanting to share and I know that I shouldn't hate Ky but I do... I hate him so much."

He curled up into a ball on the bed. "I hurt... my body aches... I'm so tired... Kain, so tired... I just... it's crushing me... pushing me harder and harder to the ground until I can't breathe!"

"You're not being selfish. People should be exclusive in relationships." He rubbed Sen's back, "Go ahead and cry if you need to, cry as much as you need. Do whatever you need to do right now Sen. It okay."

He sobbed more, voice becoming harder to hear over those desperate tears, those tears that been building up. "Why can't he just love me? I know he isn't the romantic type... but... would it really hurt to show a little tenderness? Has this place really made him so hard and cold that his heart is stone?"

Kain didn't answer Sen. He knew that there was nothing he could say now to comfort him. He also knew that Sen just needed to get everything out. So he let the younger man vent and cry, rubbing his back and sitting there listening.

Sen choked on his tears, starting to hiccup, holding that pillow tighter, clutching at it like a lifeline. "I... I just want him to love me the way I love him... I want to be able to lay and talk to him without fear of arguing every time I open my mouth... I can talk to Norman about my dreams, my fears, my feelings... So why can't I do that with Sword? Why can't we just be a normal couple? Why does it have to be so hard? It's killing me inside!"

"Have you told him that? I mean exactly the way you just told me? I've come to realize that subtlety is lost on Sword. You need to be direct and to the point with him."

He shook his head, wiping his eyes on the pillow. "I can't talk to Sword, every time I try we end up fighting. Sometimes... especially lately... I find myself even wondering whether the relationship is worth fighting for... I love him, I love him so damn much... but I don't know how much longer I can fight to make this work."

"You need to tell him that Sen. You need to make it clear. If you're going to make this work, you need to tell him straight out. It's either you or Ky. That you want to spend night talking about random things and that he needs to open up more to you. Sen, for your sake you need to do this."

"I... I can't! I'm scared of him! And... I can't force him to be something he isn't. I can't force him to be romantic, I can't force him to open up, I can't force him to give up Ky. I just... I need to get a hold of myself and keep all these things inside so he doesn't find out."

"Sen. That is the last thing you need to do. I will say this again. You either tell him or I will. Or like I said before, I will make the decision for you both."

"Nato... When I came to you... when I couldn't decide between them... you told me... you told me you knew which one I loved and that you knew which loved me... right?" He wiped at his eyes, making them even more red. "Tell me... am I taking the right path?"

Kain gently wiped the tears from Sen's face, "If you tell him what needs to be said." He said simply.

Sen sat up a little, still clutching that pillow, but resting his head on Kain's lap. "I fear Sword and I shall destroy each other... I'm scared our love will break us completely... yet, when he died... When he left me that way.... I knew I couldn't cope without him."

He chest hurt from crying. He played with Kain's earring absently, the whole situation seeming a million miles away from sharing sushi with Nato in a restaurant watching the rain.

"You and Sword just need to work out all the kinks. He walks all over you because you let him. He knows that even though you say enough, you'll always come crawling back to him and ask for forgiveness even if you're not the one at fault. It's time you let him know that he can't do that anymore. That you won't tolerate it. You need to stand up for yourself more often."

"I couldn't do that... If I stood up to him... then he'd stop loving me... He likes power, it's just the way he is - I'll never be his equal... to be his equal is to be his rival I think..."

He kept his head on Kain's lap, tears drying a little, before fresh ones flooded out. "Besides... I already told him he could have Ky if it was what he wanted... I just want to make him happy."

"At the expense of your happiness?" Kain shook his head. Well, i was obvious what he had to do. He stood up and made his way into his office. He opened a drawer of a filing cabinet and began searching.

"If that's what it takes." He wiped his eyes and followed Kain, leaning against the doorframe, watching him. "What're you doing?" He asked softly, throat sore from crying.

"Getting your file," He said as he leafed through the drawer, "I'm going to show it to the warden. In it is all kinds of evidence that your innocent." He paused, "Ah." He said as he pulled out a folder with Sen's name written on it.

"You can't do that! I'm not innocent!!" His eyes blazed with fear. "Nato... please... if... then... I'll have to have a retrial and I'll be sent away!!"

Kain nodded, "I know. I told you I would make the decision for you if had to." He looked at Sen with serious expression, "You either tell Sword all the things you just told me and make it clear that you won't stand for anything else. Or I give your file over to the warden. I will not stand by a keep watching him hurt you."

He swallowed hard, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. "Please Kain... don't do this! I can't stand up to him, I can handle things the way they are... I can... I just... It'll be fine now... I know it will!"

"Who are you trying to convince Sen? Me or yourself?" He asked with a raised eye brow.

Sen frowned, kicking the door frame lightly. "If I push too hard, then I'll lose him. It's his way or the highway..."

"You have a right to be happy Sen," Kain said and after a moment made his way to the door, file in hand.

Sen moved, following Kain, grabbing at his wrist. "I am happy... Just being with him makes me happy. I'm just being selfish wanting more than I deserve... that's all!" He tugged the man's wrists. "Please Nato, don't do this?"

"Sen," Kain said in a stern voice, raising it a bit. He had spoken to Sen that way before, "What do I have to do to make you see that you are not being selfish and that you deserve what you want?" He was even more angry at Sen now, then he had been when Sen lied to him. "You need to stand up to him or I will make so he can't hurt you anymore. Those are your choices."

He sighed and looked away. "Fine... I'll try." He leaned against the wall. "But... Do you think by sending me away I'd simply stop loving him? I'd just be empty inside without him."

"I never said you'd stop loving him. And you'd survive." Kain said, walking away from the door and sitting at his desk. He put the folder away in a desk drawer.

Sen frowned a little, looking over at Kain. "... I'm afraid of him. Of Sword, I mean. I'm also afraid that he'll pick Ky."

Kain looked at Sen with gentle eyes, "He won't." He said simply.

He moved to sit in the chair in front of Kain's desk. "I wish I had your faith." He said, resting his head on the back of the chair, yawning a little.

"You know," Kain said. Changing the subject as the current one was getting to be exhausting, "There's is an up side to Sword being blind."

Sen scrunched up his nose. "How do you work that one out? How can there be any plus side?" He asked, genuinely confused.

Kain smirked playfully, "Making love without being able to see what your partner is doing, is very sensual. And it can bring you closer together."

He blushed brightly. "Well... I hadn't really thought about that..." He tucked his legs underneath himself in the chair, chuckling soft, though it was a tired, strained chuckle. "I guess that is an up side."

Kain nodded, "It can be very fun. When Sword is released I suggest you try it."

"Maybe... It just depends on how things are between us... but it certainly sounds fun." He smiled soft, glancing around the room, eyes fixed upon the panther on Kain's bookcase. "Hey! That's one of David's works!"

An instant smile spread on Kain's face at the mention of David's name. He hand to put a hand up to hide it, because it wasn't going away. He turned around and looked at the panther, "Oh. Yeah. He gave it to me." He said trying to sound uninterested, as if David had only just passed it over to him and it didn't mean anything.

"He's pretty talented! I wish I was good at something... I mean David can do all fancy stuff like that, and Norman is the most amazing writer ever, you give great advice and you do that changey thing and Sword... well Sword's just a special case. I don't have any skills."

"You must be good at something," Kain looked back at Sen with the same cheesy smile, "Actually I know you're good at something."

Sen's eyebrows furrowed, nose wrinkling. "I mean apart from sex... After all, it isn't really a skill I show everyone is it? 'Hey look at this neat trick my ass can do!' Doesn't really sound all that appealing."